Selena Gomez is facing a new wave of hate following her recent appearance on the Golden Globes red carpet. Internet users wrote that she had gained a lot of weight and allegedly did not look very good. Then Selena recorded a video message: she noted that she did not aspire to be a model, and advised those who criticize her to take care of themselves. Then, in some interviews, Gomez said that she does not care about negative comments, and she loves and accepts her body in any form. Only in the documentary series “Dear …”, which airs on Apple TV +, did the celebrity tell the whole truth.
It turns out that Selena took all the sharp remarks to heart. She did not show her true feelings in order to appear strong and support others who faced this problem.
“I cheated. I did this because I wanted to inspire other people who are going through similar things. So that they are not ashamed of how they look, who they are, who they love, ”Gomez admitted. She also added that she often locked herself in a room and cried.
“I cried my eyes out. No one deserves to hear such things,” Selena shared.
We deal with a clinical psychologist why other people’s comments can hurt us, what to do about it and how to increase self-esteem.
Why are some people indifferent to comments about their appearance or life, while others are overreacting?
Another family scenario is parental perfectionism, when, for example, an orthorexic mother requires a child to conform to some physical ideal at the cost of tremendous effort and discipline. It is for such people that the topic of excess weight is painful, they are rarely satisfied with themselves, and in the case of critical comments they begin to literally eat themselves up, not even suspecting that not every assessment is objective.
There is also a type of personality focused on joy. Such a person considers it his task to please others, but in return awaits delight and admiration for his actions. This is also often characteristic of artists, they literally feed on it. And if you can’t get the approval of others, it seems that life is over. And here a paradox arises. On the one hand, the path of a public person forms fighting qualities, tempers, teaches you to work with negativity early, and on the other hand, makes you extremely receptive – you must always pass an exam for compliance, prove your right to be considered a swan in an ideal flock, and not inadvertently stray “duck-gray neck”. Therefore, any unkind word can be the last straw – and a person who seems to be self-confident suddenly breaks down and finds neither strength nor arguments that he could oppose to criticism.
What to do if others in social networks hurt with their comments?
The best thing to do is to ignore it. To do this, of course, one must either initially possess Buddhist calmness and equanimity, or consciously cultivate this in oneself. Aerobatics – an open profile in which all comments are saved, even if they are not answered.
But for most, this serenity is not characteristic, so the easiest way is to delete comments and ban commentators. You have every right to this, this is your page, your space, if we are talking about a personal profile. And in deciding to do so, you are not at all weak and you are not passing, nothing of the sort. You clean up on your territory, throw out the garbage.
What to do if the negative comes from loved ones?
Each such phrase is a mask that hides the real underlying reason: I want to control your life, limit your freedom and assert myself at your expense. A person who allows himself this, considers himself higher in status than you. If you are gullible and not very sure of yourself, then at this moment you rapidly decrease in size, and your critic grows dramatically, feels big and main, entitled and objective.
Suppose it is impossible to stop or limit communication. Maybe it’s a deep attachment and responsibility, maybe it’s a dependency. What to do then?
First, understand what’s going on. Become aware of these masks – and what lies behind them.
And then – and this is extremely important secondly! – analyze how you resonate with them yourself. Perhaps your inner critic unites with an evil voice from outside and repeats the same thing to you.
At this point, it is worth remembering whose voice he speaks. Your mother’s voice? Girlfriends? First teacher? Grandmothers? Former husband? Track when a similar story that hurt and made you doubt yourself happened to you for the first time:
- In what situations does this voice sound stronger or appear more actively?
- Is it related to your failures?
- Does it increase anxiety?
- Is what you feel now an echo of what you once heard?
Actually, this is what you have to work with.
Thirdly, you need to recognize and demonstrate personal boundaries. Perhaps in a somewhat shocking way for the critic, if this is a close person. Outwardly, this will look like a calm statement in the spirit of “I really appreciate that you care about me, but this hurts my feelings and hurts me.”
And finally, aerobatics – fourthly – turn the situation to your advantage. If, despite the designation gr anits, a person continues to do the same with you, this perfectly shows the essence of his attitude towards you. And then decide what to do next: allow yourself to be placed in a childish infantile position or stand up for yourself. To be honest, I personally practically do not believe in a positive outcome of negotiations with toxic people.
And yet I will allow myself to indicate the important thing: to figure out why a person allows himself such an attitude towards you. Let’s say it’s your mom. Think about why she is behaving this way with you. It makes sense to try to understand her life (detailed recommendations can be found in the unique book “Tell Me, Mom”, on which I worked, including myself).
Yes, mom cannot be changed, she is a mature personality. Perhaps she speaks to you in the way she was spoken to, as was considered right in her own life. How to protect yourself from this? First, to understand that mom will not change, there is no need for illusions. Second, contrast humor. A funny person is not dangerous, laughter brings back real dimensions. Try to laugh it off. Prepare standard answers that you will constantly repeat to her. In no way offending, not throwing himself up like a teenager.
And one more life hack. There are situations from which it is difficult to get out without losses. In this case, you need to think of several ways to quickly break contact. For example, to say that you received an urgent message or you need to answer an important call, to leave on some urgent matter. That is, just try to get away from the criticizing person. And then use techniques to quickly put yourself in order: do breathing exercises, wash your face with cold water.
Not less important…